My turkey is still frozen. As usual. Dangit.

And sooo Thanksgiving is here again, but as per usual I have a huge turkey in my refrigerator that is not thawed yet. What a surprise. What a change from the normal status quo. NOT.

I love fixing Thanksgiving Dinner. Yes, I DID capitalize ‘dinner’ because Thanksgiving Dinner is iconic, it is a special dinner loaded with meaning for probably everyone in the United States. It’s actually pretty simple, too, compared to some meals. Maybe it just seems more impressive due to the size of the turkey and the amount of mashed potatoes. (Large amounts of food can be mesmerising to me.)

And this year, even though we’ll be away from our families for the holiday (again), we’ll actually have some company. Rick’s coworker Sterling is on call and he’ll be staying here to do his duty while his family visits relatives elsewhere. It will be nice to have someone to spoil along with Rick this holiday. Told Rick to let Sterling know in no uncertain terms that he will be expected to play lots of board games because there aren’t a lot of card games that work with three players. Parcheesi, here we come!

But before the Parcheesi comes the food. That turkey is 20 pounds of joy, frozen joy, to be accurate, but foodie joy none-the-less. I pulled it out of the freezer on Sunday evening, and just like every year before it, it’s still pretty stiff. I think it’s because I’m so paranoid about germs and food safety that I keep my refrigerator VERY VERY cold. Ice crystals do form in milk and iced tea if they’re allowed to sit long enough in my refrigerator, and that’s on the top shelf. I’m guessing that it’s not very far away from the temperature range in the freezer, so even though it’s not 32 degrees Fahreinheit in my fridge, it is cold enough to slow down a thaw. I’ve waited DAYS for a freaking Gladware container of soup to thaw, so you’d think I’d have learned my lesson by now.

But NOOOOO. Come tomorrow morning, along with making the biscuits and the pumpkin pies for Thursday, I’ll also be dunking my turkey in a cold water bath in the sink, hoping against hope to get that little bugger bakeable by Thursday morning. I shoulda known better. I shoulda just come home from the grocery store and chucked that plucked little monkey straight into the fridge. A week in there should have done it.

A turkey that’s even partially frozen will take a lot longer to cook, ya know. Ask our good friends from Ann Arbor, when we had a ‘holiday dinner’ a couple of years ago. Breads, veggies, taties, gravy, pies, everything was done at 7 p.m. except the turkey–even though it had been in the oven for most of the day. Finally I gave up and just started carving from the outermost regions and left the deeper breast meat intact, and flung the carcass back into the oven while we munched on the carved bits.

Cheezwhiz. Maybe I should go get my hairdryer out…no, no, NO, I KNOW that the hairdryer doesn’t work for this. It’s too boneheaded an idea to work, anyway. I might, however try throwing it in the microwave on defrost for a couple of hours tomorrow. BTW, if you DO use the microwave to defrost your turkey, PLEASE make sure there is no metal in the carcass before doing so. Some turkeys have metal clamps to hold their little leg stumps in place, and I guess that there can be metal bits in pop-up timers, and we all know that microwaves and metal are not friendly toward each other.

On the other hand, if you’re looking for a little excitement and you have an extra turkey waiting in the wings, go for it. Take pictures and send them to me. Video, too, if you’ve got the capability. We can submit it to America’s Funniest Home Videos and YouTube.

The rest of our menu will include biscuits, asparagus pan-fried in bacon drippings, cornmeal stuffing with celery and onion, and pumpkin and apple pies. Something I’ll be doing differently this year is making my own pie crust. I hope they turn out tender and good, because I’d hate to experiment on Rick’s friend with something as CRUCIAL as pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving. But piecrust is almost on par with a loaf of plain white bread–it’s simple and I SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO IT DAMMIT. Yeah, piecrust is up there, but maybe it’s not quite the white whale to me as yeast bread.

I’ll cheat, though. I have a couple of coupons for refrigerated pie crust, so if my own is really inedible, I’ll just throw together another pie with that. I’ll let you know how it all turns out. In the meantime, Happy Thanksgiving!

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